please please please tell me you didn't send this email... uhhhhh... well, even if yes, at least it was from my "fun" email...

not everything is about you

you can't imagine how less anxious this phrase makes me

was wondering what if... i could write about myself in third person? at least sometimes, as an experiment? i just don't like saying "i" and "me" too much tbh. YES, some of this may be connected with my paranoia or derealization, but...

it's time to be a (native) Khajiit.

matchas consumed today: 1

i promised myself not to code today at all, and my low battery of laptop is handy. so i went to walk outside

and yes, i think huge part of the problem is in different version of my meds (Lamotrigine). i think i've bought other brand of them or something.

i had similar problem with Venlafaxine earlier: pills just don't work, but "prolong" capsules - do! in fact, this is the only antidepressant, and version of it, that helps me!

sometimes format and secondary substances (even if the main substance is the same!!) makes so much different man!!!

so my anticonvulsant(+) isn't working right now, and everything is so SLOW around me, it's irritating. i feel like i comprehend everything too quick, and the world and my body are too slow. it's almost like anxiety, but... not entirely.

anyway. i should find my regular version of these meds, or else.

tired, relieved

did i sleep? no. guess what i was doing lmao. yes, coding. i feel like i'm dying. but fortunately for me, my laptop says that he (yes, he!) will turn off because of the low battery. thank gods. i finished all of my code ideas, and now i'm calm.

maybe i should to eat something

OR IT'S JUST MY TRANQUILIZER WORKS HAHA! anyway

phew... deleted too technical details from the bearblog text... now i feel a little better

and added some reminder for myself in the first bearblog text

please calm down mustikas...

[audhd] [paranoia] [overstimulation]

the good things:

• merged some of my internet identities, and restricted the themes i write about there (not too much censoring though, just enough)

• deleted many accounts and now i don't feel like i should keep the count of them in my head. also not separating personal (mental health) themes uncomfortably

• this page HELPS!

• didn't share my contacts, so i have more chances to cut the interactions if i feel too anxious and cornered. guestbook rules!!!

• turned off the comments on my neocities profile so it doesn't feel like social media

• decided to take a week of using my (prescribed!) tranquilizers

• cleaned my bookmarks and did hide overwhelming ones

also i feel like maybe i've read too many "serious" blogs, and now i try to write them like this too!!! especially on bearblog, not here. damn it. i wasn't so easily influenced before? i feel like it's a degradation ughhh. and i truly, truly, truly hate it. i'm loosing myself again

i miss the times when i write at diary every day. i try to do it again, but unsuccessfully. it was a private self-reflection, but now i guess ??? i need to write such posts here to process my thoughts and feelings?

i don't really like sharing too much!!! i hate it, even. because i feel too vulnerable

and my texts are censored at some degree anyway, because i'm aware someone might read it!!!

i will try to write diary again... again... again...

also coding from phone was a mistake, and i'm well aware of it, but alas..........

maybe it's a new medication variation, because it's some new fucking level of insanity. i should try to reduce my hyperfocus manually first, then if it will not work i will return to my old meds. UGHHHHH!!!!

i was so close to my hyperfixation becoming less intense... and here i am again

overstimulated and anxious

oh no! i feel like i Overshared™!

and like if i'm not safe again...

also i guess describing details about my coding, even if in context of patterns, was a mistake. maybe i should cut this a little or even move to website idk

i feel like i look stupid or intense or cringe. i'm embarrassed about my paranoid tendencies even if i know some of it is real and justified because of my work with [REDACTED] and it's not stupid to have mental health problems.

it doesn't make me a bad person, nor it's funny, but i look at myself through the prism of my inner control-freak

i hate spotify/las.fm embed widgets that need to ask me about drm every time NO I DON'T WANT TO ALLOW IT GODS!!!

i hate pop-ups even if it says something useful

i can't enjoy website if it's loading for too long when i view it from phone

i can't enjoy website if it has quick motion gifs, blinkies, flashing lights, moving background

i can't enjoy website if it's not responsive at least at some level

i can't enjoy website if its fonts are unreadable

♪ dark souls lo-fi beats

recent life-changing™ events and decisions

(this is a half-joke post. though only half...)

• decided to buy a futon for a summer

• bought brace.to full version

• deleted bluesky account

• couch to armchair (and sitting near the window)

• this page

• merging internet identities into one (safely)

• drawing in ms paint instead of sai (just to rest from expectations)

• redid design and structure for our [REDACTED]

• switched to RSS for news

i feel kinda better :)

just remembered there were a few times when i was writing/reading/opening tabs so quick that i was blocked by an anti-bot moderation or something

soundcloud once said to me to stop using bots to interact with their site, but all i remember is adding stuff in playlist too quick

site owners should update their standards about human speed. there are insane people like me around the internet. and as far as i know, i'm not a bot.

right?

buying brace.to full version was a best decision recently. it's ~3.5€/YEAR

i was afraid i would be overwhelmed by new stuff (tags, custom titles), but ACTUALLY dark mode, list view and pinned links are PERFECT

i'm saved...

i'm fucking STARVING again!!! pls mustikas stop DOING STUFF PLEASE PLEASE AAAAAAAA I DIDN'T SLEEP!!!

will make a few sandwiches. gods save my soul.

i deleted bluesky because reasons. trying this thing out. you know.

thanks sneek's realm for this source for small posts!~